The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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