Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
