sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
