so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
