while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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