Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
