Farmville is her only friend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
