My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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