seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize