So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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