My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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