my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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