Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
