I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
is wine microwaveable?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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