a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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