dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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