i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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