I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
