my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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