Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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