i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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