It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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