fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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