Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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