I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
And then he peed in my hair
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