omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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