True but thats because hes a fetus.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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