They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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