She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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