i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
