I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
