she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
