The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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