Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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