i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
