just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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