Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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