Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
