I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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