I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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