I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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