I slept with him to see his dog one last time
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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