When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
