I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
