when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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