i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
