I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
