but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
