The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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