He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Quick, to the slutcave!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
