My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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