I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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