I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
