U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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