Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
