I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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