I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
