If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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