The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
