butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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